Think Win-Win
Courage to be Disliked - Alderian Psychology
Dear Friends,
Last week, I was reading The Courage to Be Disliked, a book that presents the ideas of Alfred Adler's psychology through a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. The main argument is that the world is simple and happiness is within everyone's reach. The philosopher challenges the young man's view that life is complicated and determined by past causes.
The book is straightforward to read, and I’m highlighting the key ideas from the book. It can be divided into three sections :
Let’s discuss these sections one by one.
Key Concepts
Teleology 🏁 (Goal-based) vs Aetiology 🔙 (Cause-based)
The book argues against looking at the past for causes (Freudian ideas) and instead suggests focusing on the present goals driving behaviour.
Subjectivity of the World
We don't live in an objective world, but a subjective one that we give meaning to.
If you've ever visited the countryside, you may have noticed that well water feels refreshingly cold in the summer and surprisingly warm in the winter. However, the well water temperature remains relatively constant, typically around 18°C. This variation in sensation is due to our subjective perception, not a significant change in the water's temperature.
Lifestyle is Chosen
In Adlerian psychology, lifestyle encompasses how we see the world and ourselves. It is chosen, not determined by past environments, so there is always a possibility of altering it. A fundamental premise is that people can change.
Quote: What you should do now is decide to stop your current lifestyle.
Community Feeling
It involves switching from attachment to self (being self-centred) to concern for others. This is the awareness of having one's refuge among others and the desire to contribute to the community. The smallest unit of society is you and I, and community feeling starts from this point.
Quote: This sense of others as comrades, not enemies, this awareness of ‘having one’s refuge,’ is called ‘community feeling’.
From Problems to Possibilities
All problems are interpersonal ones
The core of human suffering lies in interpersonal relationships. Many issues, like wanting to be reclusive, stem from a fear of getting hurt in relationships. Even seemingly internal issues like feelings of inferiority are ultimately related to how one perceives oneself about others and society. Happiness and unhappiness both stem from interpersonal relations.
Quote: As I have been saying all along, Adlerian psychology has the view that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Interpersonal relations are the source of unhappiness. And the opposite can be said, too - interpersonal relations are the source of happiness.
Inferiority Complex
Feelings of inferiority are seen as natural and can be a trigger for growth. However, an inferiority complex is distinct and refers to using feelings of inferiority as an excuse to avoid action or responsibility. It's the logic of Because I am X, I cannot do Y.
Quote: The inferiority complex, on the other hand, refers to a condition of having begun to use one’s feeling of inferiority as a kind of excuse. So one thinks to oneself, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, or I’m not good-looking, so I can’t get married etc.
Superiority Complex
A superiority complex is often a manifestation of underlying feelings of inferiority. People may fabricate a sense of superiority (e.g., through boasting about possessions or past achievements) or even boast about their misfortunes to make themselves special and place themselves above others. This is seen as living according to others value systems or using misfortune as an excuse to avoid genuine connection.
The Desire for Recognition
The intense desire for recognition from others is identified as a major source of unhappiness. Craving recognition leads to living in a way that satisfies others’ expectations, effectively lying to oneself and becoming a slave to external validation.
Quote: One has to get recognition, or one will suffer. If one doesn’t get recognition from others and one’s parents, one won’t have confidence. Can such a life be healthy?
Path to Freedom
Separation of Tasks
A crucial concept for achieving freedom from the desire for recognition is the separation of tasks. This involves recognising which tasks belong to oneself and which belong to others. Worrying about how others perceive or judge you is their task, not yours. You can only control your own choices and actions.
Quote: What another person thinks of you - if he or she likes you or dislikes you - that is that person’s task, not mine. Is that what you are saying? That is what separating is.
Quote: Alexander the Great saw how tight the knot (cutting the Gordian knot) was, he pulled out his sword and sliced it in half with one stroke. ‘Destiny is not something brought about by legend, but by clearing away with one’s sword.
Freedom is Not About Instinct
Freedom is not simply living according to one's desires and impulses. That is being a slave to them. True freedom involves resisting these instincts and actively choosing one's path, even if it means going against the natural desire for recognition and being disliked.
Quote: What I am saying is, don’t be afraid of being disliked.
From Attachment to Self to Concern for Others
A shift is needed from being self-centred (attached to the "I") to having concern for others,i.e. social interest. The seemingly mindful person who fears judgment and seeks recognition is also self-centred because their focus is on how others perceive them, not on genuine concern for others.
Quote: People who are incapable of carrying out the separation of tasks and who are obsessed with the desire for recognition are also extremely self-centred.
Three Key Concepts for Community Feeling
Developing community feeling requires three interlinked concepts:
Self-Acceptance
This is different from self-affirmation, which is lying to oneself about one's current state. Self-acceptance acknowledges limitations (e.g., a 60% score) and then focuses on how to improve. It involves affirmative resignation – accepting what cannot be changed and focusing on what can.
Quote: It’s not self-affirmation that we are concerned with, but self-acceptance (What one can change, and what one cannot).
Quote: With self-acceptance, on the other hand, if one cannot do something, one is simply accepting one’s incapable self” as is and moving forward so that one can do whatever one can.
Confidence in Others
Placing unconditional confidence in others, not based on conditions or security, but to build better, horizontal relationships. Confidence in others, seeing them as comrades, allows for
Contribution to others
This is the feeling of being of use to someone or beneficial to the community. It doesn't need to be a visible act, but a subjective sense of contribution. This sense of contribution is key to feeling one's worth and is essential for happiness. It is rooted in seeing others as comrades.
Quote: It is when one is able to feel “I am beneficial to the community” that one can have a true sense of one’s worth.
Quote: The contribution does not have to be a visible all we need is the subjective sense that “I am of use to someone,” or in other words, a feeling of contribution.
The Courage to Be Normal
The pursuit of being special (either superiority or inferiority) stems from a lack of courage to accept oneself as normal. Being normal is not being incapable; it is accepting oneself without needing to flaunt superiority.
Quote: Self-acceptance is the vital first step. If you are able to possess the courage to be normal, your way of looking at the world will change dramatically.
It encourages individuals to reject the notion of being victims of their past, embrace their ability to choose their lifestyle, and find courage in the face of interpersonal challenges. According to this philosophy, the path to genuine happiness and freedom lies in self-acceptance, unconditional confidence in others, and the subjective feeling of contributing to the community, even if it means risking being disliked. See life as life as a series of moments, a linear progression towards a future goal. Instead, it is a series of individual moments, existing only in the here and now. Focusing on distant objectives while neglecting the present is a form of postponing life.
Quote: As long as we postpone life, we can never go anywhere and will pass our days only one after the next in dull monotony, because we think of here and now as just a preparatory period, as a time for patience. But a “here and now” in which one is studying for an entrance examination in the distant future, for example, is the real thing.
The Power of One Person to Change the World: Be that person who has the ability to change one's lifestyle. By changing oneself, one can change the world one perceives. Watch this video for inspiration.