The Four Distinct Forms of Love
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1. I-It - It's important to recognize that the I-it type of love is very limited, as it treats the other as an object, incapable of granting true freedom. When you become overly attached to something, you risk losing your identity, as your love begins defining who you are. For instance, someone who adores their car may find that their identity intertwines with that object. Similarly, a person who is obsessed with money may start to resemble the very currency they covet—just a collection of dirty bills. This transformation is often visible in their demeanour; a miser's eyes can reflect the emptiness of their obsession.
2. I – thou - Embrace a broader idea of love as I-thou. Treat your partner as a thou, not an it; regard your child as a thou, not an it. Honour the individuality of others. Each person is a soul of great worth. The other embodies the divine. Address them as thou, and more importantly, act in a way that never reduces them to an object. Avoid using anyone for your own gain; instead, share your life with them. Uphold their dignity; refrain from interference, allowing love to flourish more expansively, even though it will still have its boundaries.
3. Not I-thou - The third possibility, transcending the I-thou relationship, is the state of “not I-thou” – a realization where you declare, “I do not exist, only you do.” This is the essence of prayer, where you express, “I am nothing, you are everything. I am completely united with you, devoid of any separate identity.” When you can convey this to your beloved, the connection elevates beyond the human experience. The I-it relationship is beneath humanity, the I-thou represents love, while the no I-thou signifies a superhuman state, akin to prayer. The I-it connection is rooted in physical desire, the I-thou is what we typically recognize as love, and the no I-thou embodies prayer. This is why a devotee addresses God with, “I am nothing. Not my will, but yours be done.” In this act of devotion, one relinquishes their sense of self; a person in prayer humbles themselves, bowing their head and proclaiming, “Only you exist. I am merely a fragment of you, just a small part, nothing to boast about. There’s no need for attention on me, for I am not.” This represents the third possibility – an expansive horizon awaits you.
4. Not I not thou -The fourth state I refer to as “no I, no thou,” which embodies the essence of meditation. When you express, “I am not, you are,” a faint sense of “I” lingers because the very act of addressing another as “thou” requires the presence of “I.” Without the “I,” the “thou” cannot exist—perhaps not in a blatant way, but in a subtle form, a shadow remains. After all, who would utter “Thou”? To refer to God or a beloved as “thou,” one must be present. In this fourth state, there is a complete absence of “I” and “thou.” Even the act of prayer fades away; duality has been relinquished. What remains is a profound silence, a meditative stillness, akin to zazen. One simply exists in a state of doing nothing. There are no words to express, no one to express them to, and no one to hear them. The speaker has vanished, as has the listener. This is why I assert that Buddhism reaches the pinnacle: no “I,” no “thou.” Buddhism posits that there is neither God nor soul. This is not merely a metaphysical concept; it represents the highest form of love: the acknowledgement that neither I nor you exist—it's complete! At this point, there’s no reason to utter a single word. Silence reigns, and dialogue becomes unnecessary.
In the “I-it” relationship, bodies connect; it’s a physical, tangible interaction. In the “I-thou” relationship, minds engage; it’s psychological, less crude, yet not entirely refined. In the absence of “I-thou,” spirits and souls begin to connect, but they still retain their individuality. They draw closer, yet a subtle distinction remains. The devotee is present—humble, not overly assertive or ego-driven, but even in that humility, the “I” persists. The fourth state transcends even the existence of souls: no bodies, no minds, no souls. You have returned home. Only one essence remains, without any separation.
This reminds of Kabir ke dohey
THE flute of the Infinite is played without ceasing, and its sound is love :
When love renounces all limits, it reaches truth.
How widely the fragrance spreads !
It has no end, nothing stands in its way.
The form of this melody is bright like a million suns : incomparably
sounds the vina, the vina of the notes of truth.